I decided that this post is something that helps me get out how I'm feeling, and hopefully can help someone else that is affected or is around it.
It is now coming up on a year that Jake and I decided to start trying to have a family. We were heading to our anniversary trip and Jake told me he was ready to have a kid. I was in shock!! I had been wanted to try since the day we got married but knew Jake wasn't ready for that. I was so excited to not be on my birth control anymore, and could already see myself holding a little human in my arms.
At first I was anxious and wondered why we hadn't gotten pregnant in the first month, then after doing some reading and talking to people I realized it wouldn't be right away, that it could be 6 to 8 months. So I decided to chill out and enjoy my summer. We got pregnant in September, 4 months after we had started trying. I was so excited, I wanted to tell everyone. I had thought of so many ways to tell my parents and in-laws. I had everything planned. My expected due date was the day after our anniversary and I was okay with spending it with a new addition.
7 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy I started spotting, any blood I had heard was not a good thing. So I was calling my doctor twice a day making sure everything was okay. They told me they weren't concerned unless there was bright red blood. So I figured I was fine. So I went to work and was just doing my thing until I had a bad feeling. I went to the bathroom, and bright red blood.
I went into my boss crying and took the rest of the day off, and three days after that. I called Jake, my mom, and my mother-in-law. They were all by my side in an instant telling me to be hopeful. While we were waiting for my blood tests to come back with my HCG level, Jake and I came to terms that we had just lost our child. We prayed every night and all day, I asked for a blessing, but I knew that I had miscarried. But towards the end of the week I was surprisingly positive.
We had discussed a lot of things from the Wednesday to the Friday we found out. We had talked how there is a plan for us, and we just aren't supposed to have a child just yet. And that we are supposed to learn from this trial, but that we would get through it together.
I had grown so much closer to Jake in those moments. I didn't think we could get any closer but we did. I saw the more compassionate, spiritual, and sensitive side of him. I loved that he could be so positive. And when everyone in the whole world was announcing that they were pregnant he just put his arms around me and told me we would have our chance, and tell me how much he wanted it too.
In the next few months I had my ups and downs. When someone announced that they were pregnant I tried my best to be as happy as I could for them, and then come home crying knowing I had lost my chance.
We found out that we were pregnant again in January. After we had prayed, been to the temple, and fasted, and Jake telling me that he felt like it was going to happen soon. We were excited but tried to keep our excitement down to a minimum. I was afraid that if I got excited like last time that I would jinx myself and I would lose the baby. I really felt like this was our chance, that we were going to see this baby!! So I got things ready to tell our parents and just waited for our first doctors appointment, and try to get past the 7 1/2 weeks. I felt like that was my biggest mile marker that I needed to get past.
As we were getting ready for church at my 5 weeks mark I just started to cry. I was getting worried that I would miscarry again after spotting for 3 days. Jake told me to stay positive and this one was going to stick. I went back to straightening my hair and got ready. Right before we left there was bright red blood again. All I could do was cry. Then laid in bed while Jake and I talked about our dating days and just laughed until we forgot we were sad.
Jake let me rent movies on our tv, and stay in bed while he got me food. I tried not to think about that we had just lost another chance. When I started looking it up on the internet the percentage of women that have repeat miscarriages is 1%, but went on to say that most women go on to their next pregnancy and go full term.
I was very discouraged and tried to keep my chin up. There are still many times that I think about it, but for the most part I am just trying to keep my mind off of it.
My point in writing this post is to let you know that having a miscarriage isn't a little thing. It does have a big impact on the person who is having them. Before when people would say that they had a miscarriage and had gone through a hard time I didn't really understand. And you can't really understand unless you have been through it yourself. But it is a struggle.
I found this article, I know I'm not infertile, but I think the same things apply to someone who is struggling to get pregnant.
I hope that sharing my personal experiences about can help someone know how to go about situations like this differently. It is a very hard thing to go through, and most people just don't understand. It is also something that doesn't really get talked about, and I know that some of Jakes aunts and also my mom and mother in law sharing their struggles with me has helped me know that I am not alone, and that hard things do happen but that I can make it through it. Especially with Jake by my side. If you are struggling with anything like this know that you aren't alone, and people do care about you!
I am also so grateful that have a Heavenly Father that has a plan for me. I may not understand it right now, but I know that one day I will and that I will be able to have a family! I just need to be learning something right now so those little ones will be loved more than anything once they get here.